I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
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How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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