i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
