i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
