let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
