She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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