So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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