Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
