maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
