my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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