please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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