The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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