i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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