i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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