I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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