woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
