she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
