some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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