she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
