I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
