Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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