I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
