I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
