dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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