i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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