i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
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The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
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I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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