I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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