It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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