maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
