Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
