They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
