So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
