I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
