he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
