We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
