She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
