i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
