Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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