It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
