Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
