She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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