U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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