Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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