Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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