I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My dick has a subreddit
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
