she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
