Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
