I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
