Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
