if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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