She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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