Pants 0. Shit 1.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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