well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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