I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
