I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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