I heard we made out
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
