what day is it and did you see me today?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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