I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
